shadow

I am your shadow. The dark thick ugly shadow.

In the light of glee, when you are engulfed in all flashes and light, you won't see the invisible me. But I will exist - exist in nether land, not being noticed, but gratified with your smile.

In your darkest hours, when no one will see you and when you don't see me, I will grow ever so big to dissolve you and your grief in me.

When that narrow burning light tries to torture you, I stare at him, I scare him away - from behind your shoulders, untill he fades away and you are at no harm. But when you turn back, I will be gone..

Never noticed, never complaining, never demanding,
I am your shadow -
I am beside you,
I am part of you,
I am You..

Yaar Yaar Sivam?

A deep understanding of love and its magnitude

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bk3I9Pjhh_E

yaar yaar sivam, nee naan sivam.
vazhve thavam, anpe sivam
who is god? you and me are.
life is a meditation
and love is god!

athiham pesum maniyarkkellam
sivame anpakum
naathikam pesum nallavarukke
anpe sivamakum
for the preists who believe in god,
god is love
for those good non believers
love is god

yaar yaar sivam
nee naan sivam
who is god?
you and me are god

vazhve thavam, anpe sivam
life is meditation
and love is god

idayam enpathe sadayay endral
eruthee venthu vidum
anpin karuvi idayam endral
saavai venthe vidum
if our heart was made of flesh,
it would get cremated one day
if it is made of love
it will grow beyond mortality

yaar yaar sivam, nee naan sivam
who is god, you and i are god

anpin paathai sernthavanukku
mudive illayeda
manathin neelam etho athuve
vaazhvin neelameda
for those who travel on the
journey of love, they have no death
as broad is their mind,
so long will they live..

you fill up my senses

My gratitude to John Denver, for this very rare feeling this song creates in the mind. This song oozes love- its innocense, its madness, its kindness, its strength, its immortality.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1esC0RjV0qw

You fill up my senses
Like a night in the forest
Like the mountains in springtime
Like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert
Like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
Come fill me again

Come let me love you
Let me give my life to you
Let me drown in your laughter
Let me die in your arms
Let me lay down beside you
Let me always be with you
Come let me love you
Come love me again

Let me give my life to you
Come let me love you
Come love me again

You fill up my senses
Like a night in the forest
Like the mountains in springtime
Like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert
Like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
Come fill me again

just another breathing packet of universe

It was a calm and quite evening. My balcony has a nice view for those days when you want to stare at the endlessness of life. With my feet stretched on the chair, I was talking to one of my friends when we noticed these planes on the horizon. There were five of them at different levels, going in different directions, at different pace. Suddenly something nudged me to think about how each of those empty spaces in sky is suddenly filled with legions of emotions, aspirations, thoughts and dreams as the flights move into them.

Each person inside that plane has his emotions - some extreme, as from a current incident-some submerged.. then his deeds, his past, his destiny and so many indiscernible aspects of mind that are always tied on to him. Considering the number of passengers inside that flight, it makes a multimagnitude of human psychology high up in sky. Still each one of them not really intruding into yet another's universe making it an orderly placed orientation of human psychological coordinates in air, in motion.

Thinking about it, even inside a car, when we are on the move, doesn't the few square feets of metal hold a small universe in itself? It holds your immediate needs, your past, your dreams, your sins, what others think about you, their faith in you, their fear for you... it holds everything attached to you. The car in itself reflects its history and its life through everyday of its existance. It wraps inside it a history of invention, invention of metals, invention of wheel, invention of automobile, toil by labourers, sacrifices made by them, business of the manufacturer, the economy, the one labourer who died while he was working on this car, his soul, his unfulfilled dreams and many events which we cannot even comprehend it to be linked to. Even the least complicated non living existence associated with us will have a history, present and aspirations attached with it. This constantly evolves and changes with time thus making it as dynamic as any other living entity.

During the existance of our physical self, we are brushing constantly with these external packets of universe which breathes life in itself. Many a time, when we move around, we feel we are the centre of the machinary and rest of the world is just a background. This is a fallacy. We need to be able to see ourselves as just one among the other small packets of universe. We just happened to be here in this moment which is just a fractional point on an axis of eons...

ore njaapagam

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILXf0hbauA4

a beautiful song from the Tamil movie Minnale

iru vizhi unathe
imaigalum unathe
kanavukal matrum
enathe enathe
the two eyes were yours
the eye lashes were yours too
but the dreams, they were mine

naatkal neeluthe
nee engo ponathum
een dandanai
naan inge vaazhvathum
the days are so long once you left
living - is a torture for me now

ore njaapakam,
oree njaapakam
your memories.. always your memories

kaathal kaayam nerambothe
thookkam indre yethe
oree njaapagam oree njaapagam
how can i even sleep now
when this love is hurting me..
your memories... always your memories...

on the shores of life

Was a reclusive day.. lost in thoughts for there were enough reasons of late. Life is so different each day. The shores of life battered by waves of sadness and happiness. At times, it is so weird. Before life can even take time out and smile at a wave of happiness, there would be another devastating wave of sadness which would come and change the shore for ever..

But life still has the duty to be receptive, to welcome days and the moments which are going to arrive however determined your soul is to remain footed with what you have at present. It is in accepting this change that lies the true meaning of life. Once we accept that life was never meant to be a bed of roses and once we start seeing those devastating waves as challenges, life suddenly becomes something more vibrant and it ceases to become the passive shore that it used to be. It becomes more of a counter force which plays with these waves, which laughs and giggles at the waves of happiness and which bravely fights the devastating waves of sadness.

They say, there is an advantage of being a pessimist. Either you would always be proved right or will be pleasantly surprised! I would still try to see myself on the brighter side of things even if I am constantly and painfully proved wrong again and again. Hope is a big word. Even if the crash at the end of living through the period of hope is painful, the optimist in me will starve untill I keep the tender glass inside me filled with hope..

unreported news!

Was another routine day at office. Went out with Sriram and Vinayak for lunch. Vinayak mentioned about someone who saw a scary incident while he was driving to South Jersey.

There were two cars in front of him on a freeway and all looked normal untill suddenly a woman was thrown into the road from the car in the front. She was naked from her hip down. Owing to its speed on freeway, the car in front could not stop suddenly and it ran over this lady's leg! After running over, this car skided and pulled over realizing that he had run over a human being. But this friend of my colleague could not bear the scene(!) and decided not to stop making sure he maneuvered his car without running over her again.. and thus away from her and into the routine day to day affairs which we are all programmed to do.

I am very very disturbed after hearing this. My friend mentioned that she had black hair and could probably be an Indian. When it is an unfortunate incident, it becomes more and more relevant when it happens to someone who is dear to you or atleast near to you, isn't it? I dont know whether it was the probability of her being an Indian which moved me. I pray I could be moved more for the reason that she is another fellow human being, an unfortunate sister..

My heart goes out to her.. Apart from all the emotional and sympathetic outbursts she would receive, I pray she gets proper medical attention, I sincerely pray and hope her legs could walk again, ánd that her spirits could again lift her out of this black day in her life back into her tunes of life among her dear ones.. My thoughts are with you dear sister. Get well soon...

at the signal

Red light,
Green light
and the Yellow light..
of i reached
the crowded signal
hastily pushing past vehicles
swiftly dragging across lines..
mind was tense
a green light if it were,
i could move past
this chaos faster..
red light if it were
i would need to stop
lose time, lose the pace..
nevertheless i can
spend some time
taking stock of where i went wrong
and decide on how to drive forward..
But in the end
when i reached the cross road,
it was neither Red nor Green
it was this pale YELLOW
which i hate
Unsure whether i need to slow down
or whether i need to keep going!
This confusing yellow light
which makes good drivers
prone to accidents..

two beautiful women

Today was a double delight. Sethu appeared with the good news that she is joining her new job tomorrow. She sounded so happy and I was delighted. That is such a wonderful news. Then I read about Priti Maitihl the daughter of an MP labourer who is going to become an IAS officer. She secured 92nd rank for IAS.
To me, these were two contrasting but equally gratifying piece of news. Two women who stood against the many odds against them and emerged colourful in achieving their dreams. Very inspiring.. I am sure they will make it really big because these souls who brought down all the walls on their way cannot rest one fine day and their light has bigger destinies to be fulfilled

dare to live

it was dark

and heavy rain

there was thunder

there was lightning

wind was furious

wind, smashing everything on its way

my feet were rising from beneath

as if they were paper plates

i held on from being blown away

held on to the small poles,

to the tiny ropes which was on my way

clasped on whatever i could

clinged on whatever i could

those moments

it reminded of all the sins

seemed as if others were laughing

at this circus of life

all those whom i thought

were the dearest ones

and for all the sane acts in life

the storm, though still alive the furiousity,

it whittled with time
it whittled with my heartbeat
it whittled with the pieces of my heart

untill there was calmness and peace

and this endless silence

i was scared and numb because of my yesterday

but yes, i was alive for future

i waited for the dawn

to live another day, another life

yes, i knew the brightest of the sun

it will rise again

the awakening

I hear the alarm ring
one I switch it off
two it rings again
three I switch it off
four it screams again
five I turn the phone itself off

After 20 mints the reality explodes
from somewhere deep within me
the reality that I have a job
and I have to act responsibly
I wake up still confused
"why did I keep three alarms yest night ?"
"didn't I know that I will switch off all the three ?"
"afterall, it was not the alarm which woke me up!"
"would n't this explosion from within have waken me up
even otherwise ?".....

Alarms, aren't they just make-believes?
Shouldn’t the real awakening come from within?
I wondered whether my soul already knew this..
to be deaf to the fake voices
and to wake up only to the spiritual tunes of life...

my most precious desire

A d e s i r e
a light, feather like,
tender desire..
born from a glance ,
it floated in the air
lightly a bit here, a bit there
before even i could realize,
slowly it dissolved into the inner me..
it floated and giggled
through the dark rooms of my soul
brightening all the way..
my sweet little desire,
that veered my mind
from all those beliefs
those black and dark beliefs..
the desire,
which changed the way
i stared at the world
and poked me to smile the moments..

some cautioned,
it would never happen
and some threatened
they wdn't stand beside
but i knew
it would happen if
you believed in me
and if we believed in my desire
i dreamt the smiling me
coz you were beside me
in the dreams, we were
smiling,
smiling together
it was so beautiful..
But now!
Now that you
don't believe in my desire,
now that you act as if
i did just sin and not desire,
with tears in my eyes
and with a sagging ocean inside,
i am blowing this feather away
away from me
away and away to a strange
unknown land where i can never see..
never see my desire
this little white feathered desire
my most precious desire..

Another Shoe! This time it's at Manmohan Singh

Came across this news today. Another audacious shoe throw act at a public figure. This time it was Dr Manmohan Singh at the receiving end. What could be the reason he did it? I wonder whether it has got anything to do with his knowledge about Dr Singh's govt policies. Was he frustrated because of that? I don't think so. To me this is more of an ignorant, useless petty act which has its roots on how media portrays such incidents including the very first one involving George Bush. Probably those images still lingers in everyone's mind and it makes them feel you would be portrayed as a hero? or atleast you will get noticed?

My belief only became stronger with what happened subsequently. In the end, it was the same tune from Dr Singh too. He called up the police big shots and told them to "Forgive" the culprit. Chidambaram too had "forgiven" the one who had hurled a shoe at him. At this moment, I also remember some other great acts of forgiveness that we had done. The guys who had attacked our very soul of Indian Democracy, the parliament, then the guy who killed hundreds of innocent civilians in Mumbai. They are all basking in our great acts of forgiveness absolutely scath free.

May be Mr Singh does not mind "forgiving" someone who throws a shoe at him, but as a citizen I feel ashamed that a petty youth who indulges in such an irresponsible act of malligning the post of Prime Minister of India is let free. How long will India keep forgiving everyone and let everyone throw their shoes on our face.

Tum Se Hi

Found this beautiful movie song to be no less than a poem. This is from the film Jab We Met.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9sUh4RBD-5E

Na Hai Yeh Pana, Na Khona Hi Hai
Tera Na Hona Jane, Kyun Hona Hi Hai
Tum Se Hi Din Hota Hai, Surmaiye Shaam Aati,
Tumse Hi, Tumse Hi
Har Ghadi Saans Aati Hai, Zindagi Kehlati Hai,
Tumse Hi, Tumse Hi
Na Hai Yeh Pana, Na Khona Hi Hai
Tera Na Hona Jane, Kyun Hona Hi Hai

Aankhon Mein Ankhein Teri, Bahoon Mein Baahein Teri
Mera Na Mujhmein Kuch Raha, Hua Kya
Baaton Mein Baatein Teri, Raatein Saugatein Teri
Kyun Tera Sab Yeh Ho Gaya, Hua Kya
Main Kahin Bhi Jata Hoon, Tumse Hi Mil Jata Hoon,
Tumse Hi, Tumse Hi
Shoor Mein Khamoshi Hai, Thodi Si Behoshi Hai,
Tum Se Hi, Tum Se Hi

Aadha Sa Wada Kabhi, Aadhe Se Zyada Kabhi
Jee Chaahe Kar Lu Is Tarah Wafa Ka
Chhode Na Chhoote Kabhi, Tode Na Tute Kabhi
Jo Dhaga Tumse Jud Gaya Wafa Ka
Main Tera Sarmaya Hoon, Jo Bhi Main Ban Paya Hoon,
Tumse Hi, Tumse Hi
Raaste Mil Jaate Hai, Manzile Mil Jaati Hai,
Tumse Hi, Tumse Hi

Na Hai Yeh Paana, Na Khona Hi Hai
Tera Na Hona Jaane Kyun Hona Hi Hai

Broken Relationship - Phases

Two words well define the entire cycle of attachment in love. From the time a man and woman fall in love and till the time they separate.

Attachment & D e t a c h m e n t

The beautiful journey of love travels through the following..

1] Attached Attachment
2] Detached Attachment
3] Attached Detachment
4] Detached Detachment

Attached Attachment: Probably the most beautiful phase in love where romance is all over and we are ever charged up. Emotions become multi amplified ending up in more love or discord which in itself churns out more love. We will miss our loved one every second of the day. We talk to her/him every minute of the day within ourselves. World outside looks more like a background for our love story.

Detached Attachment: A gradual progression from Attached Attachment. The initial crave for each other is lost. They start seeing each other's weaknesses or rather those characteristics which they are not very fond of. This makes it tough for them to want each other every moment. Though underlying love still exists, they would prefer to keep a comfortable space between them which is in the better interest for their love to survive.

Love if not broken travels only till these two phases and fortunate are those who don't go beyond this..

Attached Detachment: This is a painful phase. There is no attachment between the couple anymore. Still they act as if they are attached. For whom? may be, to be loyal to the love which once existed between them! This becomes even more painful if one of the couple is still in any of the previous phases and the other has moved forward. Because he might still love her, but he/she would know very well that she/he does not love him/her anymore. People say that love is blind which is so incorrect. May be love makes one blind as in one might not be able to see the world around. But love makes you see even the minutest of the nuances of the person whom you love.

Detached Detachment: No more formalities in here. Couple would have realized and accepted that there is nothing left between them. They would feel it is better to keep away from each other for good than withstanding a boring and highly compromised relationship.

i long...

i long
to be rebelled at
to be laughed at
to be controlled
to be mistaken
to be fooled
to be shushed
to be stereotyped
to be distanced
to be criticized
to be ignored
to be hurt
to be completely defeated
because it is the sweet you....

Ye Nasha

ye sharaab bhi paani lagne lage
kahan inmein vo nasha
kahan inmein vo nasha..
jo nasha teri yadon mein hein

- PV

Some thoughts - GOD

I feel the presence of GOD when there is no distance between me and I..

When I don't feel there is a mask on my face, that is when I see, hear, speak and feel the language of my heart..

We can feel Him in extreme pain, in love, in utter sadness, in true happiness, in a tiny tune of melody or in those simple moments in life which touches our soul gently in a way that we feel the real us deep inside..

Yes.. God's existance is in those moments when we are true to ourselves.

Unpleasant Pictures?

tons of rocks and rusted steel
dirt all over
men running up and down
jackets tainted with grease
faces painted with dirt
deafening noise of machinery
smothering smell of concrete
was not worth to watch
was not worth to hear either
constructing foundations,
it's a mayhem
time passed.. days and months..
there was one who dared to go back
to see what was going on
it was a pleasant surprise
there stood a small but beautiful house
kids were playing around
there was a melodious song in the background
and the fragrance of flowers in air
and nothing could disturb this beautiful house
no storms no floods...

FULL STOP

clear blue sky around
light breeze on face
no smothering thoughts
when the breeze stops for a rare moment..
birds sing from real far
have never experienced this..
this ecstatic calmness
could feel my heart so fresh and so void
as if i was just born
there was nothing to tie me down
it is me and only me ..
the trees, the mountains all looked so tiny
clouds hiding something behind them
another mountain? or yet another emptyness ?
could see the horizon around me
the end of everything ..
is this the solution or is this the destiny
am i losing everything
or am i losing everything which i wanted to
my trait has been
never to go back to closed doors or decisions
this in my mind
i released myself into the air
away from everything i had been tied down to
away from all the tunes i was made to dance to..
the wind was tearing and screaming
it was joy...the atmost
was moving down fast and furious
thought it was the liberation from thoughts
liberation from all the pain
..untill how silly, in that precious little time too
i saw your mysterious smile
and i still wondered
this smile, was it ever genuine?..
and .

BATTLE

Furious the battle, it dragged on
for ages, when mankind was born
Warriors unwilling to die
There were women
There were men
Some fought though they were weak
Some fought though they were sick
Ferocious the battle,
Those who fought saw only the one they faced
Neither cared to eat
nor remembered where they belonged to
Neither slept nor rested
Some were dragged into it
Some fought for no purpose
Some were born for this moment
Some fought for they knew
they would die if they lose
Some didn't know they were at war
Untill they were sliced all over
Few swinged their swords
So wide and sharp
Everyone around were bleeding
Some were killing with just their stare
Some lie wounded
Some lost the balance though unscathed
And some lie dead!
For sure, no one looked the same as they were before
As time ticked down
Some won with much blood shed
Some won with much brains burnt
Some won coz they were destined to
A few won though they didn't deserve to
Some lost for the same reason too
In the end, those who won,
the true heroes left to live in heavens
And never cared to look back
And those who lost, lay wounded for life
In this divine battle for LOVE…

Romance That Died In A Year

A rather amateur try :)
Still remember the first time I met you
I could feel the romance and the excitement in your eyes
Though you never admitted it..
Later on, I did feel the excitement
we shared on the first few days was not there anymore..
Still you made me feel I am important to you,
You gave me a place in your day to day chores
Days passed, months too,
Slowly I did notice a sympathy for me in your eyes
Which grew day by day..
But little did I imagine
You could do this to me today!
Today the 31st, when the world is dancing with joy
When everyone out there seem to have
found a reason to smile and rejoice..
The tears in my eyes, they tell me
I am no more a part of your life...
Yes... I am sadly your 2008 calendar


-An ode to 2008 calendar..
Inspiration was an article on CNN IBN which stated something like 'As I threw my 2008 calendar into the bin..". I felt sad for the calendar and this happened. I thought of an unsaid affair the 2008 calendar had on its user. Unsaid because the calendar could never express its affection for her. Ofcourse insipiration was not that alone :)..